THINGS I THINK ABOUT WHEN I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP, PART 2
The Three Items Or Less Game.
You get three items in your shopping cart, and you get to say one line.
A child-size swimsuit, tampons, and a cucumber.
"Would it be more or less awkward if I said these WEREN'T for my daughter?"
Three separate types of pepper spray.
"Just trying to see what I'm up against, hon."
Liquid cough medicine, White-Out, and a Teletubbies DVD.
"My mom took away everything else I could use to get high."
A box of extra-large black trash bags, a set of pool balls, and a package of tube socks.
You don't really need to say anything with this. Just glare menacingly.
Warming oil, condoms, and a jar of peanut butter.
"There gets to be a point in every man's life where he loses interest in women and starts
pursuing other options, y'know?"
Duct tape, aluminum foil, and vaseline.
"Valentine's day, huh?"
A rubber ball, electrical tape and a small, cheap electric toothbrush.
"Sometimes, a girl has to get things done on a budget."
A bottle of expensive alcohol, sleeping pills, and duct tape.
"Can you hurry this along, miss? I'm late for my date."
A hammer, a woodworking magazine, and lubricant.
"What? I can't help it. Wood just gets me excited."
Baking soda, club soda, and a Bible.
"I've tried literally everything else to get the goat's blood pentagram out of the carpet."